Special Feature,
Am I Still a Man? Dealing with Sexual Dysfunction and Aging
In the conversations about sex and seniors, few people talk about a big problem in
aging and that’s impotence. The causes of impotence are many, from prostate
problems, circulatory difficulties, movement disabilities and lack of confidence
because sex takes more time and patience and isn’t like the good old days. Still it
isn’t talked about the way it needs to be.
Sex problems cross all generations but the hope of solving them is lessened with
age. While a man still thinks about women with lust in his heart, as Spencer Tracy
so eloquently said in the film Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner when talking about
his continuing love for Katherine Hepburn who played his wife in the film. Older
men have memories, but they would rather have the continuing sex experience
and they may say kissing, talking and holding hands is enough, not quite so
eloquently as Tracy did in the movies, but they worry nonetheless and need to talk
about it.
So here are several suggestions. Don’t wait for the problem to get so bad that it
can’t be discussed. If sex remains difficult for an extended period of a month, that’
s ample time to figure out that the problem isn’t going away. The best time,
however, to talk about sexual dysfunction is even before it begins. Talk about it
soon and cover the “what ifs” One of the “what ifs” is the difficulty in
performing. A couple needs to face what that might mean and talk about options
once they reach late middle age. Visit a doctor and talk about the issue as a team.
Talk about possible solutions with a trained specialist who has special education in
sex problems and is able to deal with seniors temperamentally and through
experience. Finally seek comfort and moments of physical sharing where both the
man and woman can hold each other and feel that physical connection that may be
resisted when the issue is sex and the problems of performance. Take the stress
away as much as possible from physical performance and instead cultivate physical
affection. Assure one another that love continues with physical contact even
without the great highs of arousal because of the emotional satisfaction that
comes from physical contact.
Men have trouble talking about sex when they have difficulties, so grandma needs
to initiate activity, when necessary, as a first step to see what other actions need
to be taken.
Medications for impotence can make a difference with some men, and for others
they might not work after awhile. So along the way the conversations need to
continue with plenty of support to discuss feelings. If a man feels angry or
frustrated, these are natural responses to the loss that is felt, so this is the test of
patience in a relationship. After awhile the conversations will be enriched with
physical contact that doesn’t threaten either the man or woman with having to
prove anything.
Decline in sexual function is difficult for both the man and woman, however the
replacement of affection that takes place when each supports the other and talks
through feelings, recognizes options, and maintains close physical contact can
maintain a solid relationship for seniors. The loss needs to be managed with
understanding and compassion through which great love is always enriched.